New Opportunities

As I was looking towards my spring semester, I suddenly felt this anxiety. Yes, I have been blessed to get this job at the Maxwell Institute, but why haven't I been trying to take advantage of all of the other opportunities offered in college? So I made the decision to not take my upper level grammar class I was scheduled to take and I started to look for an internship. I talked to my editing superviser, and he gave me a list of people to contact about internships. I've never made cold calls (or emails, really) before, and I found that most people were looking for someone to stay on for the next school year.

But finally, mercifully, I got a bite.

BYU Religious Studies brought me in for an interview and editing test, and I received an official offer about an hour later! I'll be working on journals, magazines, and books with a group of editors. It's a paid position and I'll be working about 10 hours a week to receive my internship credit. I am so excited to start this additional phase of editing!

Now when I graduate, all I have to do is find a group of religious writers who might be looking for an editor. That should be a large population of people, right?

What The Fricative!

For those of you who know me well, you are very much aware of my love affair with my major, English Language. I get so excited during my ELang class that by the time I leave, I'm bursting with excitement, ready to spill over with information on the first person I meet! It's a little odd for some people but I feel like a soda can, all shook up and ready to explode!

I took my midterm for ELang 223 two weeks ago and it was such a wonderful day. I spent a long time studying for it, not because I felt unprepared or stressed but because I was having such a fun time studying for it! I was learning so many cool things about the language, laughing to myself at the perplexities of English, and feeling positively elated that this was how I was going to spend the next three years at BYU.

When I was on my way to take the test, I was literally tripping up the stairs to campus with excitement. My roommates thought I was completely CRAZY, (not a false statement) because I was going on about 4 hours of sleep after an overall stinky week and yet I couldn't keep a smile off my face.

The test was blissful, a celebration of everything I have learned so far and a testament to what I have to look forward to. I thanked my teacher as I turned in my test and floated all the way home.

We finally got the test back today and I saw my score. 290/300. Relief. Excitement. Joy. It is a definite reaffirmation that I know what I'm supposed to do in life and regardless of all the other twists and turns my life takes, I know this fact: I love my major and I could very happily make a career using my love of the English Language.

 ELang, I know we're going to have our rough times and there will be moments where one of us is going to want to call it quits, but I want you to know that I am in it for the long run. You complete me. It's been a wonderful semester and I can't wait for the next one!

The Right Track

During a lecture this past week, my Doctrine and Covenants teacher asked us to think to ourselves and truly examine if we are in the right major for us. He said that some of us might have an unsettled feeling and we may already know we're going into the wrong career.

Rewind a year ago. A year ago, I was preparing to audition for the School of Music on my trusty clarinet. I was playing music for hours a day, working hard in my lessons, and suffering from all of the normal stress and anxiety of a freshman while also worrying continuously about my impending audition. There were many vital things I needed to fix before my audition and I found myself trying to fix habits that had grown over 9 years in just about 4 months.

I was a basket case.

I tend to be very tunnel visioned about things in my life. When I really want something, that is all I can focus on and I work until I reach my goal. It has been that way with the Nebraska Children's Choruses I sang with, becoming a Drum Major in high school, making All State and Honor Bands, and getting into BYU. This audition was the first thing that I felt that even though I was trying will of my heart, I might not succeed. It was the passing of an illusion that I had grown up with: all of your dreams will come true if you only believe and work hard enough. When I got that email in February informing me that I had not gotten into the program, I think that was the moment I started to become an adult.

I don't mean to say that being an adult only involves disappointment and hardships but it does entail gaining a realism that no matter how many books you read on the subject, you just don't understand deep disappointment until it happens to you.

It was hard. My focus was so tightly pointed at that one goal, that it was disorienting at first. I didn't know where to go from there. Thankfully, I was in an Honors English class and also working on a student journal on campus. Once I got over the initial heartbreak, I began to realize how much happiness my writing class brought me. I used my English assignments as a break, a release, from the boring and miserable Geology readings. I loved to write.

It took me a few weeks to get over my results, many phone calls home, numerous prayers, lots of hugs from my friends and family, and one life-changing pep talk from my Dad, and I was ready to move on. I began to look at English courses and all of a sudden it clicked. It felt like I had just broken up with my supposed soul mate only to realize that my best friend had been right there the whole time and was the right person all along!

I have since changed to English Language, and the feeling I get coming from my ELang 223 class is something that cannot be expressed in words alone. I get giddy, exhilarated, and am bursting at the seams with excitement after each class, ready to spill my love of the language on the next person I see.

Here I am, 1 year later, listening as my D&C teacher urged us to look inside ourselves to see if we've chosen the right major. I waited for the feeling of dread, of doubt and a miserable realization that I had got it wrong again. It didn't come.

Take 2

Top reasons why being a sophomore is going to be better than a freshman:

1. Finding my classes on the first day of the semester has been a breeze. I've even given a couple of freshman directions! 
2. Living right next to campus is already 15384729 times better than living at Wy View. No more waiting for the bus or begging my brother for rides late at night. Just one safe walk home in the dark down "rape hill", and I'm good to go!
3. Finally starting my major classes. Sitting in my ELANG 223 class listening to Professor Oaks talk about the syllabus, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace. Sigh. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. 
4. New room mates, new social dynamics, new ward. Love it.
5. New sports seasons. Even without my favorite player, Jimmer Fredette, I know this season is going to be incredible. 
6. I love reuniting with friends and room mates. Everything feels familiar, like everything is falling into place. 

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis

R.M. Bailey

I'm a bit of a romantic. Ok, a big one. I can't help it; I'm a sucker for Jane Austen novels, sappy movie endings, and poetry. I love reading Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Shakespeare, and one of my favorites, E.E. Cummings. His poems are so simple and intimate, and I have to admit I have tried  to imitate him once or twice.

Here's one I wrote my senior year of high school.

If I were given but one more day,
To bring back your smiles and fears keep at bay,
I'd take you away to the edge of unknown,
Away from reality and struggles we'll have flown.

We'd dance on the moonbeams and sleep in the stars,
Waltz in the meadows and wipe away scars,
Fall away into sunsets and tiptoe through dreams,
No longer care about life and messy seams.

We'd sing to the flowers and tickle the sea,
Whisper secrets to owls, offer one last plea,
Drift off into shadows and acknowledge the truth,
The beauty once lost ne'er recovered in youth.

It's not quite as good as Cummings, but to be fair, it's one of my first dabblings in poetry. Anyways, here's the real thing.


You Are Tired (I Think)

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart
Open to me!
For I will show you places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

E.E. Cummings


Sigh. It's beautiful isn't it? It's like eating chocolate mousse, curling up in a blanket next to a fireplace, or giving someone a big hug. Beautiful.

Blazing Trails

BYU 2010-2011

Expectations:

1. I worried my future unknown room mate would be psychotic, hate me, steal my food, play obnoxious rap music in the apartment while I'm studying, or become so possessive that she would want to kill all of my friends and family so she can keep me to herself. Okay, maybe not the last one, but insert any overused college room mate stereo-type fed to us by the media, and I worried about it.

2. Failure. I knew college classes would harder and so different from high school classes, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle the stress and achieve success.

3. My experiences at church would be roughly the same as I had growing up.

4. I love music! Loved it all my life. I thought that that naturally would lead to being a Music major heading towards Music Education.

5. College wouldn't be as great as everyone told me it would be.

6. I might not make it through my freshman year.

Reality:

1. I had the incredible luck to have this amazing person Suzette Rovelsky for a room mate. She is one of the kindest and most unselfish beings I know. She made the apartment a happy home for us as she ran around singing and dancing to Disney songs, befriending everyone in the area within the first 20 minutes, and by being optimistic and laughing through every trial she faced. Staying up late doing homework together at the kitchen table, growing sillier and more ridiculous as the hours went by are some of my happiest memories from this year. Suzette always cares more about the people around her rather than herself. I wish I could be more like her.

2. College is hard. There were nights where I would stay up for hours on end studying and finishing assignments, wondering how on earth was I going to get everything done. There would be days where I would sit in my room practicing clarinet and seriously considering throwing it against the wall. Those who know me well know that I get stressed about pretty much everything. Yes, I was stressed a lot of the time about how everything would turn out. Sure, a few classes smacked me around and almost broke me, but I didn't crack and I didn't give up. Every disappointment I experienced had its purpose and I'm learning that everything doesn't always turn out according to your plan.

3. Living at BYU, you are surrounded by church members who, for a majority, share your same standards and beliefs. We said prayers in some of my classes and sang hymns in others. All of my classes connected the topic in one way or another to living the gospel, I couldn't believe it! You feel so connected to Christ and his teachings as you begin to realize that every part of your life can connect to your religion, even Astronomy and Marching Band. College is the hardest thing I've done so far in my life but is has also been the most fulfilling because I'm learning to rely more solely on a higher power to get me through my day.

4. Not going into music was incredibly disappointing at the time. It seemed impossible to move past it until that glorious day when I remembered English. It has always been my favorite subject; writing just came easy for me growing up. I'm one of those weird people who actually enjoy citing sources in MLA format. Writing papers is my fun assignment of the day that I look forward to while doing all the other tedious assignments for other classes. The day I started looking at English classes online for next fall was the day everything fell into place. I will always love music and continue to play, but English is where I belong. This is what I'm supposed to do.

5. This past year alone, I went to every home football game including the bowl game and played in the pep band for the legendary Cougar Basketball team, traveling around the nation with my boys during the post-season tournaments. I played incredible music with the Symphonic Band, lived 5 minutes away from my brother, sister-in-law, sister, and best friend from childhood, lived with two amazing people, aced my English papers, spent many sleepless nights with my room mates finishing homework and having a ball, stood in the same elevator as Jimmer Fredette (TWICE!), saw hilarious comedy sketches with Divine Comedy, memorized 35 constellations, reconnected with old friends while meeting new ones, and made more memories than I can ever write down. I'd have to say college was even better than I had ever expected.

6. Here I am on the other side, still standing. Who would've thought?